Nothing good

I feel bad, really really bad.

I have no concept of a normal family but I'm planning to build one.

It just like sailing without a map.

Everyone around have their own map and even trying to draw out my map. I don't mind, if it's really my map, the map for me.

I got a lot of negative feelings from my family, basically only my mom, as she's my only family member around (and always away).

I learn things on my own by "try and error", which is a really painful way of learning, especially for life.

I also learnt that there's no one can be trust, you want things done? Do it yourself!

I feel tired, really really tired.

I knew that I'm a workaholic and did not left enough time for life (or may be I don't want to?)

Dealing with things and people in the family makes me feel tired and bad. Worst than working for 2 overnights.

I'm full of anger this morning and I asked my mom: "I'm now 33, can you say one thing that I've done and you think it's okay according to you standard? Only okay is already enough, don't need to be good."

I asked many many times and she couldn't give me the answer (and trying to sidetrack me to some other issues.

Finally, the first answer comes out is somethimg about money (I can't say the details).

Oh! It's still always about money!

Even if I got the money, I will find some others ways to spend it and I won't bring it back to the family!

There are many things that I know and understand but I can't accept.

I'm a person with bad temper, hard to work with and mean, I know that, and, thanks mom!